To all our friends...and a special Thank you to Troika and Tino at 1spirit.com
PSA with her "Baby"
At 1:30 August 14, 2000, my precious friend, PSA, left this world. Psa was 15 years old.
PSA with her "Baby"
At 1:30 August 14, 2000, my precious friend, PSA, left this world. Psa was 15 years old.
| I can hardly remember a day without her. For years we lived and slept
together on my futon at the horse farm. Days I had to leave for work, she
spent with Dan Kirkland, my longtime friend, watching him work with the
horses and accompanying him on pasture rides. The last two years she would
stay with Dano or at the Dave Jones farm when the heat was too bad to take
her with me on my out of town trips. Many people knew and loved Psa and
helped me to see to it that she was never left alone. Dave kept cookies
for her in the shop. Mom always welcomed her and once nursed her following
a surgery - my family helped me search for her during two episodes of "disappearance"
years ago...she has stayed with many of my friends when circumstances arouse
where she could not be with me. To all of you, I am forever grateful for
your Love. And to those of you who have prayed for us during this difficult
time, I have felt your prayers and I thank you ever so much.
In as much as you all know I that I believe in the continuation of life, I also know that the human experience of grief is real and needs to be honored, to be felt. Perhaps that grief is about seeing the chapters of ones life come to an end. Amazing that so much love could be given for so long, by one little dog - oh if only I could love as much as Psa loved, if I could forgive as much as Psa was able to forgive, if I could be a friend like Psa would be a friend...then perhaps I would be worthy of this grief. In my minds eye I can still see her running down the path between my
house and the horse stables, wagging her tail, greeting me happily. She
accompanied me on every trip possible, whether it was to the store for
groceries, to my job in a nursing home years ago, to moms for dinner, to
the river for her afternoon swims...
When she was little, she expressed her anger at me for leaving her in
various ways. She would "disappear" from who ever was watching her and
steal my underclothes from the line and deposit them on my landlords porch!
(it embarrassed the old man and his wife!)
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Many of you know the story of Psa. For those of you that do not...Here
it is.
Psa (pronounced pea-sah, stands for Poor Stray Animal) found me 15 years ago - 1985. She was a puppy and was eating out of the garbage cans at a small country store I use to stop at on the way home. One afternoon as I was putting gas in my truck I noticed her standing near me wagging her tail. The owner of the store came out and explained to me that the dog was homeless and that he could not afford to feed anymore animals. The fact was, I did not want a dog. I looked at her and told her that - but I also said to her - "if you want to go with me - then you will have to get in my truck." To my surprise, she jumped in! I looked at her on the way home and said" Well, you Poor Stray Animal (PSA) - looks like you have a home. Thus her name and the beginning of a 15 year friendship and partnership that has given more meaning to my life than almost anyone or anything else I have known. The first few years were memorable in that I found I had to restructure almost all phases of my life - due to Psa. Or should I say due to my love for Psa. I could not longer just take the boat out - Psa once jumped off the dock and started a mile long swim to get to me...I could not leave her anywhere with someone else unless we made sure she could not escape, not in a neurotic upset fashion, she was just sneaky and would find ways to escape to come looking for me. She always went with me on trail rides and she loved horses all her life. At local restaurants in Tallahassee, we could be found sitting in the
outdoors accommodations - Psa had many a fine dining experiences, ordering
right from the menu. Once a waitress came to our table with the menu and
asked me if I would like her to get some "leftovers" from the kitchen for
Psa... "stuff they were going to throw out"....I laughed and told her -
"Heck no" I would not feed Psa anything you would not eat! I believe one
of the reasons Psa lived so long was that I cooked most of her meals for
her. She also loved broccoli and carrots. In the later years I fed her
some of the new natural pet foods also. I cannot stress the importance
of a natural diet for our animals. Check out what the holistic vets say
about natural foods - there is a alot of good info on the net (one site
is altvetmed.com) I believe that is one reason Psa lived as long as she
did.
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When my Dad passed away in 1986, I was devastated as we were very close. At the time I was engaged to be married, but Dad's "death" was a major turning point in my life. Something inside of me changed, and although I was not sure what, I knew that I could no longer live my life under ordinary conditions. I had to search, I had to look for answers. The only Peace I could find was with my animals. A young woman, and not very confident, I left my home having planned for a friend to meet me with their stock trailor. Horse and trailor packed I went to a friend's pasture many miles away in Georgia. We left our home, the three of us, my horse, my dog and I. Psa, curiously wondering "where are we going?" but then not really to concerned as she did not care as long as she was with me. The large tobacco barn and pasture awaited us. We unloaded my horse and my friends took off. There I was on a long lonesome dirt road, with my horse and my dog. But the barn was locked! We could not get in! The pasture was padlocked too...there we were! I was scared...what was I going to do! I walked down the road with my horse and Psa and we saw a horse farm, and a man was walking out to feed the horses. I recognized him as someone I had met once years ago. He was shocked to here of the dilemma I had put myself and my animals in...but was also compassionate about my grief over my father. I suppose he was wise enough to know one does not always make such good decisions when upset. |
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He offered a stall for my horse. I felt like an angel had appeared in the middle of my misfortune...we took the stall - the three of us...Psa, my horse and I. I still have a photo of that late evening - the three of us sharing carrots in the stall. (It is posted to the left.) You see, during those days of grieving, I needed to be alone with my animals. They were the ones who comforted me, made me laugh and gave me love. |
| The next day I contacted my friend with the barn that was locked. Apparently
a man who worked for him had driven by, seeing the barn and pasture unlocked,
locked them back! My friend was so embarrassed - he insisted on driving
out to talk to me in person.
I jumped on my horse bareback and with Psa running along side of us as she always did - I trotted down to the barn. It was raining hard by the time we got there. The last 24 hours had been intense for the 3 of us...leaving our "home" and spending the night in a stall. I sat under the tobacco barn with Psa and my horse. I started to cry. The rain mixed with my tears and I wanted to scream.... I missed my Dad. When my friend arrived he saw I had been crying...I told him "my story" I cried and told him how much I missed my dad, how confused I was and how lonely and scared I felt. Let me explain, this "friend" was an acquaintance. Another man I had met only once before! - but upon our first meeting...had told me "if you ever need anything, call me." (hmm I thought, wonder why he said that!) I had never been one to ask for help from other people - but there was a kindness in this man's eyes that said it was okay. ( I later found out he was a professional and family man - who was known for his "random acts of kindness"! So there I was, in the rain, with Psa and my horse, full of self pity and crying for my Daddy. This man wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. Then he stood in front of me and this is what he said: “Catherine, I never knew my father. I never even had a chance to know what it would be like to have a Daddy. You were given a gift in that You were able to not only know your father, but to love him, and have him love you. He went on to say, Some people, like me, never get to experience that kind of love in their life.” |
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As I sit here with Psa's pictures, photos from the last 15 years, her tennis balls and little toys, her purple collar with the words inscribed "MY NAME IS PSA, I LIVE WITH CATHY" the tears seem endless. I look under my computer table expecting to see her...I walk outside expecting to see her, I got to bed, expecting to feel her cold wet nose bump me good night....I look around for her to come running at the sound of my car door opening...
Then I remember the words of my loving friend... "Some people never get to experience that kind of love".... And I know, Love never dies.
I love you PSA. And I know, I my life was blessed by an Angel named Psa.
In the early morning hours of August 14, I was awakened by a dream/vision of bright white light followed by a very clear image of Psa sitting in the yard by a tree. I felt her spirit leave. I ran out to the porch where just an hour before I had carried her out on her bed to get some fresh air. (Psa had been ill for several weeks) But there she was, under the tree - just like in the dream/vision she had “sent” me - calling me to her. I picked her up and carried her back to her bed and seconds later she had a seizure. I picked her up and put her in my car - calling the vet on my way. From there, we made our way to the Dave Jones Farm, the place Psa loved. When we got there, to my amazement, Psa got up and looked around, wagging her tail and smiling at me. She knew she was home. Then she layed back down and made her final transition. As our cat, Sheeba stayed nearby, two beautiful butterflies flew over and around us. A baby armadillo came and visited, standing in the bushes watching, playing and talking to Ky. We buried Psa wrapped in a navajo blanket with her favorite toys, her “baby” and tennis ball. My prayer was for her to find “Mac” on the “other side". “Mac” (Mary Jones) was the wife of Dave Jones. She passed away a few months ago. She was well known for her profound love for dogs - for she gave a home to countless strays over the years. I told Psa...”go find Mac, she will take care of you where you are now”. I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn’s rain. When you awaken in the morning’s hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight, I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there, I did not die.” Author Unknown (reprinted from the Cassadaga Spiritualist Annual Program)
The letters and phone calls I received meant so very much to me. Following are just a couple of the letters with wonderful and healing words that I wanted to share. Also, I wish to quote the following with the credit to an old book first
published in 1940 “When your Animal Dies” by Sylvia Barbanell (Spiritualist
Press, London, England - The Trinity Press)
From Chapter XXIII My dearest Catherine, Dear Catherine, Catherine: |
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Catherine Lynn Ceci • Monticello, FL • 850-342-1248
